his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
