On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
