when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
