You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
