How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
sarcasm needs its own font
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
