if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
