just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
