if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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