dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
