My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
