Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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