I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
