Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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