Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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