She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
