accomplished twins. life is a go
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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