I think I just saw someone hide a body.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
