so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
