just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Pants are for mortals
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
