Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
