weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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