Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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