My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
