I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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