o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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