Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
