i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
