Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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