Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
