It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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