WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
