Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need a beard to bite.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
