I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
