Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
