dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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