so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize
