Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
