She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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