Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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