Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
