Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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