haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
