So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
