He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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