Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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