Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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