respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
