It's just like the Real World with babies
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
