You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
