I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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